Algorithm - D (ouch haha)
Islamic studies - B+ (wow... didnt expect that)
Database - C (Expected.)
Web Application and Design - B+ (okayyyyyyyyyyyy....)
Network - B+ (lol wut thought i failed this...)
CGPA - 2.69 from 2.78
Ouch. But hey, I thought it was going to be a lot worse you know... especially the Network. God.
Algoritm and Data Structure. Oh yes. I like the subject, the lecturer, the discussion but hey... I was being kind of a jerk most of the time, I realize that now but hey, when you are being presented something that you actually like, something you actually want to learn, you can't help yourself but be... passionate about it you know...
Turns out being responsive and active in class also means being a jerk.
Okay, sure. I can assume the "old" me and just be quiet and sit at the side as usual as before but hey, let's face it.
It's a university, man, not a frikkin secondary school where the teachers are the one who gives you the knowledge and that's the only knowledge you need to pass the frikkin exam.... But I suppose it is my fault... Being loud just isn't my thing...
Well. Back to the old white board guys because we gotta scrap this plan of being active and participating in class. We gotta be silent and passive again.
Or not.
Jan 28, 2014
Jan 26, 2014
He bought me another thing. Again.
I don't know about you guys but my father, my beloved father, is always buying me things without me asking for it. And then he said he has no more money.
Well, dad do you know why you're out of money? Because you're spending it on me... Stop doing that and see what happens.
I'm not saying I don't appreciate the things he gave to me. Food, shelter, clothes, this laptop and lots of money have gone into me. I really appreciate that. But the more I realize how much he's spending, the less I want to realize how much he's spending.
Today, i mean yesterday, after dinner he brought me to the Samsung shop and bought me a frikkin Galaxy Tab 3 10.1. I was like, "Oh no. Not again."
He wants my old Tab 2 to be given to my sister and he wants to exchange it for the new one. I COULD'VE said, I don't need another one but the look on his face when he wants to buy me something... you could've sprout a rainbow from it.
So here it is. The Tab.
It looks brand new because it is brand new.
I have yet to configure the things in it. Plan to equip it with a lot of internet connectivity and maybe start a new journal from it and so on. Depressing thoughts are always present anyway haha so why not write it down right?
Also... I'm thinking of buying DaGi's stylus for this one. I mean, it certainly looks convincingly useful, that's for sure.
One tip guys. Keep most things in DIGITAL FORM. Whatever paper work you have, scan it, store it inside a safe storage device. Trust me you do NOT want to be like my ex-roommate who has 5 boxes for books and papers only. God, my arms never felt that heavy before....
Second post of the (early) day. Wow.
Good night, I love you and bye.
Well, dad do you know why you're out of money? Because you're spending it on me... Stop doing that and see what happens.
I'm not saying I don't appreciate the things he gave to me. Food, shelter, clothes, this laptop and lots of money have gone into me. I really appreciate that. But the more I realize how much he's spending, the less I want to realize how much he's spending.
Today, i mean yesterday, after dinner he brought me to the Samsung shop and bought me a frikkin Galaxy Tab 3 10.1. I was like, "Oh no. Not again."
He wants my old Tab 2 to be given to my sister and he wants to exchange it for the new one. I COULD'VE said, I don't need another one but the look on his face when he wants to buy me something... you could've sprout a rainbow from it.
So here it is. The Tab.
It looks brand new because it is brand new.
I have yet to configure the things in it. Plan to equip it with a lot of internet connectivity and maybe start a new journal from it and so on. Depressing thoughts are always present anyway haha so why not write it down right?
Also... I'm thinking of buying DaGi's stylus for this one. I mean, it certainly looks convincingly useful, that's for sure.
One tip guys. Keep most things in DIGITAL FORM. Whatever paper work you have, scan it, store it inside a safe storage device. Trust me you do NOT want to be like my ex-roommate who has 5 boxes for books and papers only. God, my arms never felt that heavy before....
Second post of the (early) day. Wow.
Good night, I love you and bye.
I suppose it is my fault.
Right. Let's get on with this, shall we?
I will get straight to today's topic: Hope.
Hope. What is it? By MY definition, it is the presence of a certain faith that things are going to be alright.
It hurts not talking to her. It hurts talking to her.
Such dilemma.
Well, thanks to my ever faithful self, I present to you a solution. Blame it on yourself.
Torture yourself, so that the other person do not feel the same.
Now, before I get to the part where I break down and start flinging words, I will give you Hope. She is not totally lost. Delusional? Let it be so because it stops the pain. I'll take anything to stop the pain short of worshipping other deities, or killing myself. Drugs? I wish I could get ahold of some cough medicine so that I can actually sleep soundly for a night.
To you girls and mothers out there. I present to you a modal of a person:
- 24 years old
- Independent
- Has a permanent job
- Smart
- Hardworking
- Responsible
- Spiritual
Wow. Much handsome. Such victory. Much want.
Well, guess what, mothers? You can have him as your son-in-law, and maybe get a few grandchildren with perfect hair, body and personality just like their father.
I suppose I have myself to blame. I did not exercise, I did not take care of my body, I sleep late, I'm always playing games, I'm lazy and I'm not that responsible sometimes.
Here's the catch. You do not know this guy yet, but he SEEMS to be a nice guy. Well, if this guy is not a nice guy, I don't know who is.
So, you (mother) go up to him and say, "Will you see my daughter?"
He said, "Why not?"
And off they go to the parent's home and voila, nice to meet you, nice to meet you too, here she is, smiley smiley.
Ah. Seems perfect. It's like true love. Based on mother's instincts too. Wow.
They got to know each other, the guy likes the girl, the girl likes the guy. Soon after, wedding day.
They got happily married, have children, smile all the time. Happily ever after.
Wish it could've been that easy. I mean, who wouldn't want it to be that easy, right?
So, consider another case:
- 20 years old
- Dependent on his parents for money, shelter and food.
- Student. Not that great either.
- Average. Sometimes a little bit lower.
- Lazy ass.
- Not so responsible.
- Not so spiritual.
Nope. One look at this guy, and you know he's going nowhere. Not even out of the parent's house. I mean, COME ON look at that eyebrows eeww, and that crooked mouth OH GOD, and that smell... what is that smell? Is he wearing his pants lower than his waist? Who in blazes do that?
This guy does.
But wait up. First judgements aside, when you open your eyes... you can actually see that his eyebrows are not that bushy. Only most of the time it looks bushy, because he's always thinking... thinking about something... thinking on how to make the best of his day.
Wait up again. You ask him... "Why are you depending on your parents?" The guy looks up and answered, "Because they don't let me work... They want me to study." Oh. Would you look at that.
Wait a minute... that smell... You look to the side and you saw someone had puked over the side road and it smells so bad. Then you look a the guy... he smells faintly of deodorant. Oh. Okay.
Wait wait wait... when you look closer... his mouth is crooked because he's always frowning. And that scar on his nose... the doctor apparently pulled the skin above his lips up to patch the tear. Poor guy. Must've fallen off the stairs or something.
I'm not one to say who I am. I'm the worst judge anyone can ever be, trust me. Call me Hakim all you want, but I'm the worst judge in the world.
I once had a friend. His name was Amirul Adli. One day we had a fight. I hit him on the head; I pulled his head down and punch him right there at the back of the head. I was so angry at the time, I didn't know what happened until after it happened.
I wanted to ask forgiveness from him but I know we are not going to be friends anymore. I was fat, he was thin. I was slow, he was FAST. He's good at math but he's not so good in english. We were nigh inseperable.
I couldn't go on to that tuition anymore. Everytime I do, I remember him and I felt like a weight had pressed me down on my back. I couldn't gulp saliva and I couldn't breath. After the fight, he went out of the room and entered the other one that was empty. After a while, I went after him and I said I was sorry. I held out a hand, he slapped it and he cried like I've never seen anyone cried before.
We went back home in silence. I cried in the shower back home, thinking back on how I started it first. It was me who punched him first, even though he was my only friend at that time.
He transferred school. I stayed.
We crossed paths once or twice. I smiled at him and he smiled at me. We never went more than that.
I think that was the first clear rejection I've ever had. And it was my fault.
Ever since then, I was afraid of my anger. I was afraid of what I will become if I let go of my feelings. It dawned on me that I'm a big man, small head, big hands. People see me as if I'm a giant. I was afraid of what I have grown into.
If you see me down the road, say hi to me, hold out a hand. I will say hi back to you and shake that hand. But after that, you decide.
I also found out that I'm sentimental. And sensitive.
Good night, i love you and bye.
Jan 23, 2014
More Ranting.
It is 1:50 AM on a Thursday early morning.
So, a lot has come and gone. A lot of things and stuffs has resolved itself and now my parents have some time for me.
Some time meaning perhaps half an hour.
"Move on... She's not right for you... Maybe this is an oppurtinity..." and so on has been offered by my loving mother. Meanwhile, my father keeps making jokes about girlfriends, wives and kids. The irony.
I'm keeping quiet of course. No talking back to your parents, remember? Keep it in your chest, do not blame anyone, keep improving yourself.
I have successfully make a habit of watching the time for the 5 times prayer. *clap*clap*clap*
What I have not successfully done is the "move on" part. Apparently, I still want her. She's kind, caring, loving, beautiful, happy and understanding. But most of all, she understands what I say. That, my friends, is a clue that a person is meant to be by your side for a while.
It hurts when you try to talk with someone, but the person just doesn't want to reply. Answer. It hurts to be ignored. It hurts more when you know for one small thing, big consequences apply. She wanted to call her this evening, I did and... she went straight to the "bye" part without that one sentence. What I have been trying to glue together has now come apart again.
I did say the sentence, fully knowing (or perhaps not) about what has to come after that. I skipped the boyfriend part and straight to husband. After all, that's what nice people do, right? It's what nice people are being told to do. By the community. You like the girl? Find her parents, offer some money, get a ring, BOOM she's yours. Because coupling is for bad people, and I do not want her to be a bad person.
The more I say, the more I want to get out. So, in order to save whoever is reading this some precious time, I get to the point.
I didn't even get to the first step. Find her parents. It stopped right there. Like a huge banner portraying the single thing that's wrong with me and I need to fix it ASAP. You guys know what it is if you read the post before. Small thing, big consequences.
I'm not saying her part is somewhat too early to judge me. It's never too early to judge someone who's perhaps going to be guiding your daughter. I'm not saying I hate anyone either (Don't blame anyone). Just keep your heads up, and stay on the track that you're going to fix this and you're going to make it right. However, nobody said how LONG the track is going to be and how SHORT a human's patience can be.
Being perfect is not about being true to everyone. Being perfect is about being true to a special case.
Take one example:
An apple that wants to be perfect for a person has to be:
a) Red
b) Juicy
c) Circular
d) Big
But it changes from one person to another. Another person would want an apple that is:
a) Green
b) Solid
c) Circular
d) Medium sized
The trick to being perfect, is to list up the criteria needed to be perfect for a special case. In my case, the perfection part comes up short of one single thing. You can find out what it is in the previous post.
Now, some of you may have been saying that I am delusional and I'm just seeing things that I want to see. When in fact, a bigger picture is in effect.Well you know what, you can never see the bigger picture because the bigger picture would ALWAYS involve the correct future. The future that we're going to have RIGHT NOW.
bla bla bla bla... But dude, you're just being "philosophical" about this. Say this thing in layman's terms, man.
Life is like a river. "Oh boy, here we go again." Don't leave just yet.
The river has to flow SOMEWHERE. Most of us know that rivers flow to the sea where it joins other rivers into a big pool of water.
Now, imagine you are a fish in the river and you cannot do ANYTHING to go to the other direction. But you can steer yourself to avoid, jump over, or butthead yourself the deathly rocks that are at the bottom of the river. You can also just ignore those rocks. You can even try to MOVE the rocks by simply charge into it as fast as you can.
But you will never know what rocks will be coming at you and when the bloody ashes are you going to get to the sea. Now that is ONE river. With ONE fish.
Other rivers may join yours. Other fishes would catch up to you. Other times, you don't even know that the rock you're trying to push, is the same rock that 60 other fishes are trying to push too. Other times, you may just find that other fishy that you like. And come to appreciate, love and caress.
Until the river splits apart.
And then you come to see that you can never see what's coming ahead. You can never know for sure what the future holds. In order to make a bigger picture, you need to know what the future is going to be. That is quite impossible.
So let's recap.
Judgemental is not a human flaw, it is what makes us human. Judgement demands perfection. But perfection is only to a special case. The special case is the "big picture" and we can never know what it is because we cannot see the correct future.
You want an equation? Fine.
J =/= F, J = Hu.
J <----> P, where P ---> Sc.
Sc = Pic, where Pic (x-->infinity) = 0.
J = Judgement
F = Flaw
Hu = Human
P = Perfection
Sc = Special Case
Pic = Big Picture.
If you don't know what the arrow and the double arrow is, look up "implications" on mathematics. If you see x ---> infinity = 0, it means you can never know what it is until you see it BUT you can get very close to it.
That's it for today's philosophical and maths hybrid lesson, please comment your answers for the homeworks and don't forget to review the chapter on "Humanity." We are going to go through that after this, I'm quite sure.
Homework
In one sentence, less than 15 characters, explain what is meant by Big Picture.
Good night, I love you and bye.
So, a lot has come and gone. A lot of things and stuffs has resolved itself and now my parents have some time for me.
Some time meaning perhaps half an hour.
"Move on... She's not right for you... Maybe this is an oppurtinity..." and so on has been offered by my loving mother. Meanwhile, my father keeps making jokes about girlfriends, wives and kids. The irony.
I'm keeping quiet of course. No talking back to your parents, remember? Keep it in your chest, do not blame anyone, keep improving yourself.
I have successfully make a habit of watching the time for the 5 times prayer. *clap*clap*clap*
What I have not successfully done is the "move on" part. Apparently, I still want her. She's kind, caring, loving, beautiful, happy and understanding. But most of all, she understands what I say. That, my friends, is a clue that a person is meant to be by your side for a while.
It hurts when you try to talk with someone, but the person just doesn't want to reply. Answer. It hurts to be ignored. It hurts more when you know for one small thing, big consequences apply. She wanted to call her this evening, I did and... she went straight to the "bye" part without that one sentence. What I have been trying to glue together has now come apart again.
I did say the sentence, fully knowing (or perhaps not) about what has to come after that. I skipped the boyfriend part and straight to husband. After all, that's what nice people do, right? It's what nice people are being told to do. By the community. You like the girl? Find her parents, offer some money, get a ring, BOOM she's yours. Because coupling is for bad people, and I do not want her to be a bad person.
The more I say, the more I want to get out. So, in order to save whoever is reading this some precious time, I get to the point.
I didn't even get to the first step. Find her parents. It stopped right there. Like a huge banner portraying the single thing that's wrong with me and I need to fix it ASAP. You guys know what it is if you read the post before. Small thing, big consequences.
I'm not saying her part is somewhat too early to judge me. It's never too early to judge someone who's perhaps going to be guiding your daughter. I'm not saying I hate anyone either (Don't blame anyone). Just keep your heads up, and stay on the track that you're going to fix this and you're going to make it right. However, nobody said how LONG the track is going to be and how SHORT a human's patience can be.
Being perfect is not about being true to everyone. Being perfect is about being true to a special case.
Take one example:
An apple that wants to be perfect for a person has to be:
a) Red
b) Juicy
c) Circular
d) Big
But it changes from one person to another. Another person would want an apple that is:
a) Green
b) Solid
c) Circular
d) Medium sized
The trick to being perfect, is to list up the criteria needed to be perfect for a special case. In my case, the perfection part comes up short of one single thing. You can find out what it is in the previous post.
Now, some of you may have been saying that I am delusional and I'm just seeing things that I want to see. When in fact, a bigger picture is in effect.Well you know what, you can never see the bigger picture because the bigger picture would ALWAYS involve the correct future. The future that we're going to have RIGHT NOW.
bla bla bla bla... But dude, you're just being "philosophical" about this. Say this thing in layman's terms, man.
Life is like a river. "Oh boy, here we go again." Don't leave just yet.
The river has to flow SOMEWHERE. Most of us know that rivers flow to the sea where it joins other rivers into a big pool of water.
Now, imagine you are a fish in the river and you cannot do ANYTHING to go to the other direction. But you can steer yourself to avoid, jump over, or butthead yourself the deathly rocks that are at the bottom of the river. You can also just ignore those rocks. You can even try to MOVE the rocks by simply charge into it as fast as you can.
But you will never know what rocks will be coming at you and when the bloody ashes are you going to get to the sea. Now that is ONE river. With ONE fish.
Other rivers may join yours. Other fishes would catch up to you. Other times, you don't even know that the rock you're trying to push, is the same rock that 60 other fishes are trying to push too. Other times, you may just find that other fishy that you like. And come to appreciate, love and caress.
Until the river splits apart.
And then you come to see that you can never see what's coming ahead. You can never know for sure what the future holds. In order to make a bigger picture, you need to know what the future is going to be. That is quite impossible.
So let's recap.
Judgemental is not a human flaw, it is what makes us human. Judgement demands perfection. But perfection is only to a special case. The special case is the "big picture" and we can never know what it is because we cannot see the correct future.
You want an equation? Fine.
J =/= F, J = Hu.
J <----> P, where P ---> Sc.
Sc = Pic, where Pic (x-->infinity) = 0.
J = Judgement
F = Flaw
Hu = Human
P = Perfection
Sc = Special Case
Pic = Big Picture.
If you don't know what the arrow and the double arrow is, look up "implications" on mathematics. If you see x ---> infinity = 0, it means you can never know what it is until you see it BUT you can get very close to it.
That's it for today's philosophical and maths hybrid lesson, please comment your answers for the homeworks and don't forget to review the chapter on "Humanity." We are going to go through that after this, I'm quite sure.
Homework
In one sentence, less than 15 characters, explain what is meant by Big Picture.
Good night, I love you and bye.
Jan 17, 2014
Excuse me
...but I'm a bit emotional right now.
It's 1:58 A.M. and my eyes are begging me to sleep but I just can't.
So excuse me while I rant.
Save her? SAVE HER FROM WHAT???? I don't get it. I just don't get it.
She probably thinks I kill and eat children while worshipping a washing machine for washing my laundries and drink snake's blood because it grants me strength.
She wants me to pray? Okay, fine. I am praying and I'm being a good boy. But her eyes are clouded with the vision of a perfect son-in-law or whatever you call that position. Do you want to know what kind of perfect? Here, let me tell you:
1) A handsome face.
2) A pure heart that has never committed one bit of sin.
3) A body to match said handsome face.
4) Probably a beard, trimmed to perfection.
5) A career that has launched itself on the person's handsomeness and coolness and whatever-ness from the age of 4.
6) Supports a certain group of politicians.
7) Obey the law.
8) Work hard and work smart and have lots of money that can support 10 families at once.
9) Give charity everyday but never runs out of money.
10) Smiles. With perfect teeth. [Unfortunately for me, my front teeth didnt grow right.]
11) A clean and neat room with little flowers here and there and of course, a king's bed with the scent of violets drifting in the air.
12) Everything. Has. To. Be. Perfect.
I can't even go up to half of what the requirements are. Oh you think that's it? You haven't seen anything yet, BABE.
You know, in Malaysia (Malay culture), in order for a man to get engaged with a woman, said man must have:
1) Money.
2) More money.
3) If enough money, refer to 2. If not, refer to 1.
4) A ring.
Aye. I said that again and again every time I have the chance to free my thoughts. It's not about the "How," it's about the "How MUCH?"
I am so sad right now, heartbroken actually, and a long time ago because of certain incidents, a transformer has been installed inside me that converts sadness to anger.
And right now, the transformer is working HAAARRRDDDDDDD.
All the anger has been stored inside a room labeled "Do Not Open. Seriously." and I have taken a lot of actions and humiliations to obey that sign. But dammit, sooner or later the room is going to burst. And right now, the door is really pushing it's hinges.
God, I don't know what's worse. Is it the pain of losing something that has been a part of your life or is it the sadness that keeps rolling in when the pain goes numb, hence making said pain, pain-er.
I supposed this is my punishment. Divine punishment if you want it. I was wrong. I has sinned. A lot actually. There. Boom. I said it. I am so sorry. I will pray and I am trying to sleep to wake up for Subuh prayer but dammit, the pain keeps me awake. It was never this painful since... since... I don't know this is the first time I've felt like this before and yeah, I'm 20 years old with no license, no degrees, no friends (very few), and probably.... no life.
I didn't drink alcohol, I'm still a virgin, I didn't steal anything, I never gambled (without knowing what it actually means... betting is gambling and around 11 years old I betted on a game of football. I was young and I didn't know betting is gambling.) I don't ride motorcycles, I didn't talk back to my parents (each time I want to, a warning in my head comes up that says "Anak Derhaka.") But dammit, I didn't perform my prayers. I suppose... that counts as sin also...
I didn't finish the Quran also, did you know that? Yeah and I'm 20. Wow. Okay. Boy. I am so fu- crapped up. Full of poop.
Did I tell you I didn't know how to recite the Qunut? Yeah... that piece of doa that you're supposed to say in subuh prayer? yeaahhhhhhhh... "Then, how did you perfrom Subuh prayer?" Either I don't or I skip the Qunut.
Let's see, what else... Ah yes.
I have seen pornograhy. Ouch. But these days, when I mean these days I mean THESE DAYS, I haven't watched anything suspicious. The thought didn't even occur to me, which is a very sensational achievement to me. Really. Of course I do something to myself when I watched those things. I was lonely and there was nobody to talk to except the internet. Google was very helpful I guess. But since... Rabbia, porn was.. just... I don't know I suppose it just goes out of my system without me knowing it haha
What else... hmm...
Oh yes. Delicious part. Let's see... I didn't perfom my prayers. The 5 times prayers. Friday prayer? Almost most of the time, I assure you. No because of rain, overslept etc etc. But that 5 times prayer a day is pretty important. Very important and I haven't done it in.. oh... since 12? Did I mention I was 20? Yeah.
I know, I know. I'm a bad guy, and I need to fix this. Fortunately for me, I know how to.
Just do the 5 prayers all day erryday. I know how to and you CAN read from a book for the Qunut part, right? I mean... I can't memorize all that in one night... I have a bad memory.
"How can a man be loyal to a girl when he can't even keep his loyalty to God?" Oh wow. That hit me right here, man. Like a solid arrow. It actually hurts physically when I read that. Aloud, it's even worse.
I want to be with Rabbia... Really. I actually cried for real. And I haven't cried for a real for a long time before this. I think that's why my eyes hurt right now. I love her and I know she loves me but there's a middle woman that keep us from each other and that's her mom. I suppose she's doing a really great job, detecting a bad person from miles away haha
I can't just forget you, dear... Please..... I can forget about a lot of things but when you say "Good night, I love you, bye" to a person everyday and suddenly stops like this... It hurts the part where you define who you are and the brain just sort of, "Whoops. Where are the words? WHERE ARE THE WORDS??? IF I DON'T GET THE WORDS NOW, I WILL CONTINUE TYPING IN CAPS LOCK"
So. Her mom doesn't like me because I don't perform the prayers. Simple enough.
But how... can she know... that I actually perform them? When she doesn't even want to talk to me....
What's so bad about me.... that keeps people away from me.
I tell you what.
Divine Intervention. Done.
I hope I can sleep.
Good night, dear. I love you so much Rabbia... Bye.
It's 1:58 A.M. and my eyes are begging me to sleep but I just can't.
So excuse me while I rant.
Save her? SAVE HER FROM WHAT???? I don't get it. I just don't get it.
She probably thinks I kill and eat children while worshipping a washing machine for washing my laundries and drink snake's blood because it grants me strength.
She wants me to pray? Okay, fine. I am praying and I'm being a good boy. But her eyes are clouded with the vision of a perfect son-in-law or whatever you call that position. Do you want to know what kind of perfect? Here, let me tell you:
1) A handsome face.
2) A pure heart that has never committed one bit of sin.
3) A body to match said handsome face.
4) Probably a beard, trimmed to perfection.
5) A career that has launched itself on the person's handsomeness and coolness and whatever-ness from the age of 4.
6) Supports a certain group of politicians.
7) Obey the law.
8) Work hard and work smart and have lots of money that can support 10 families at once.
9) Give charity everyday but never runs out of money.
10) Smiles. With perfect teeth. [Unfortunately for me, my front teeth didnt grow right.]
11) A clean and neat room with little flowers here and there and of course, a king's bed with the scent of violets drifting in the air.
12) Everything. Has. To. Be. Perfect.
I can't even go up to half of what the requirements are. Oh you think that's it? You haven't seen anything yet, BABE.
You know, in Malaysia (Malay culture), in order for a man to get engaged with a woman, said man must have:
1) Money.
2) More money.
3) If enough money, refer to 2. If not, refer to 1.
4) A ring.
Aye. I said that again and again every time I have the chance to free my thoughts. It's not about the "How," it's about the "How MUCH?"
I am so sad right now, heartbroken actually, and a long time ago because of certain incidents, a transformer has been installed inside me that converts sadness to anger.
And right now, the transformer is working HAAARRRDDDDDDD.
All the anger has been stored inside a room labeled "Do Not Open. Seriously." and I have taken a lot of actions and humiliations to obey that sign. But dammit, sooner or later the room is going to burst. And right now, the door is really pushing it's hinges.
God, I don't know what's worse. Is it the pain of losing something that has been a part of your life or is it the sadness that keeps rolling in when the pain goes numb, hence making said pain, pain-er.
I supposed this is my punishment. Divine punishment if you want it. I was wrong. I has sinned. A lot actually. There. Boom. I said it. I am so sorry. I will pray and I am trying to sleep to wake up for Subuh prayer but dammit, the pain keeps me awake. It was never this painful since... since... I don't know this is the first time I've felt like this before and yeah, I'm 20 years old with no license, no degrees, no friends (very few), and probably.... no life.
I didn't drink alcohol, I'm still a virgin, I didn't steal anything, I never gambled (without knowing what it actually means... betting is gambling and around 11 years old I betted on a game of football. I was young and I didn't know betting is gambling.) I don't ride motorcycles, I didn't talk back to my parents (each time I want to, a warning in my head comes up that says "Anak Derhaka.") But dammit, I didn't perform my prayers. I suppose... that counts as sin also...
I didn't finish the Quran also, did you know that? Yeah and I'm 20. Wow. Okay. Boy. I am so fu- crapped up. Full of poop.
Did I tell you I didn't know how to recite the Qunut? Yeah... that piece of doa that you're supposed to say in subuh prayer? yeaahhhhhhhh... "Then, how did you perfrom Subuh prayer?" Either I don't or I skip the Qunut.
Let's see, what else... Ah yes.
I have seen pornograhy. Ouch. But these days, when I mean these days I mean THESE DAYS, I haven't watched anything suspicious. The thought didn't even occur to me, which is a very sensational achievement to me. Really. Of course I do something to myself when I watched those things. I was lonely and there was nobody to talk to except the internet. Google was very helpful I guess. But since... Rabbia, porn was.. just... I don't know I suppose it just goes out of my system without me knowing it haha
What else... hmm...
Oh yes. Delicious part. Let's see... I didn't perfom my prayers. The 5 times prayers. Friday prayer? Almost most of the time, I assure you. No because of rain, overslept etc etc. But that 5 times prayer a day is pretty important. Very important and I haven't done it in.. oh... since 12? Did I mention I was 20? Yeah.
I know, I know. I'm a bad guy, and I need to fix this. Fortunately for me, I know how to.
Just do the 5 prayers all day erryday. I know how to and you CAN read from a book for the Qunut part, right? I mean... I can't memorize all that in one night... I have a bad memory.
"How can a man be loyal to a girl when he can't even keep his loyalty to God?" Oh wow. That hit me right here, man. Like a solid arrow. It actually hurts physically when I read that. Aloud, it's even worse.
I want to be with Rabbia... Really. I actually cried for real. And I haven't cried for a real for a long time before this. I think that's why my eyes hurt right now. I love her and I know she loves me but there's a middle woman that keep us from each other and that's her mom. I suppose she's doing a really great job, detecting a bad person from miles away haha
I can't just forget you, dear... Please..... I can forget about a lot of things but when you say "Good night, I love you, bye" to a person everyday and suddenly stops like this... It hurts the part where you define who you are and the brain just sort of, "Whoops. Where are the words? WHERE ARE THE WORDS??? IF I DON'T GET THE WORDS NOW, I WILL CONTINUE TYPING IN CAPS LOCK"
So. Her mom doesn't like me because I don't perform the prayers. Simple enough.
But how... can she know... that I actually perform them? When she doesn't even want to talk to me....
What's so bad about me.... that keeps people away from me.
I tell you what.
Divine Intervention. Done.
I hope I can sleep.
Good night, dear. I love you so much Rabbia... Bye.
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