Excuse me

...but I'm a bit emotional right now.

It's 1:58 A.M. and my eyes are begging me to sleep but I just can't.

So excuse me while I rant.

Save her? SAVE HER FROM WHAT???? I don't get it. I just don't get it.

She probably thinks I kill and eat children while worshipping a washing machine for washing my laundries and drink snake's blood because it grants me strength.

She wants me to pray? Okay, fine. I am praying and I'm being a good boy. But her eyes are clouded with the vision of a perfect son-in-law or whatever you call that position. Do you want to know what kind of perfect? Here, let me tell you:

1) A handsome face.
2) A pure heart that has never committed one bit of sin.
3) A body to match said handsome face.
4) Probably a beard, trimmed to perfection.
5) A career that has launched itself on the person's handsomeness and coolness and whatever-ness from the age of 4.
6) Supports a certain group of politicians.
7) Obey the law.
8) Work hard and work smart and have lots of money that can support 10 families at once.
9) Give charity everyday but never runs out of money.
10) Smiles. With perfect teeth. [Unfortunately for me, my front teeth didnt grow right.]
11) A clean and neat room with little flowers here and there and of course, a king's bed with the scent of violets drifting in the air.
12) Everything. Has. To. Be. Perfect.

I can't even go up to half of what the requirements are. Oh you think that's it? You haven't seen anything yet, BABE.

You know, in Malaysia (Malay culture), in order for a man to get engaged with a woman, said man must have:

1) Money.
2) More money.
3) If enough money, refer to 2. If not, refer to 1.
4) A ring.

Aye. I said that again and again every time I have the chance to free my thoughts. It's not about the "How," it's about the "How MUCH?"

I am so sad right now, heartbroken actually, and a long time ago because of certain incidents, a transformer has been installed inside me that converts sadness to anger.

And right now, the transformer is working HAAARRRDDDDDDD.

All the anger has been stored inside a room labeled "Do Not Open. Seriously." and I have taken a lot of actions and humiliations to obey that sign. But dammit, sooner or later the room is going to burst. And right now, the door is really pushing it's hinges.

God, I don't know what's worse. Is it the pain of losing something that has been a part of your life or is it the sadness that keeps rolling in when the pain goes numb, hence making said pain, pain-er.

I supposed this is my punishment. Divine punishment if you want it. I was wrong. I has sinned. A lot actually. There. Boom. I said it. I am so sorry. I will pray and I am trying to sleep to wake up for Subuh prayer but dammit, the pain keeps me awake. It was never this painful since... since... I don't know this is the first time I've felt like this before and yeah, I'm 20 years old with no license, no degrees, no friends (very few), and probably.... no life.

I didn't drink alcohol, I'm still a virgin, I didn't steal anything, I never gambled (without knowing what it actually means... betting is gambling and around 11 years old I betted on a game of football. I was young and I didn't know betting is gambling.) I don't ride motorcycles, I didn't talk back to my parents (each time I want to, a warning in my head comes up that says "Anak Derhaka.") But dammit, I didn't perform my prayers. I suppose... that counts as sin also...

I didn't finish the Quran also, did you know that? Yeah and I'm 20. Wow. Okay. Boy. I am so fu- crapped up. Full of poop.

Did I tell you I didn't know how to recite the Qunut? Yeah... that piece of doa that you're supposed to say in subuh prayer? yeaahhhhhhhh... "Then, how did you perfrom Subuh prayer?" Either I don't or I skip the Qunut.

Let's see, what else... Ah yes.

I have seen pornograhy. Ouch. But these days, when I mean these days I mean THESE DAYS, I haven't watched anything suspicious. The thought didn't even occur to me, which is a very sensational achievement to me. Really. Of course I do something to myself when I watched those things. I was lonely and there was nobody to talk to except the internet. Google was very helpful I guess. But since... Rabbia, porn was.. just... I don't know I suppose it just goes out of my system without me knowing it haha

What else... hmm...

Oh yes. Delicious part. Let's see... I didn't perfom my prayers. The 5 times prayers. Friday prayer? Almost most of the time, I assure you. No because of rain, overslept etc etc. But that 5 times prayer a day is pretty important. Very important and I haven't done it in.. oh... since 12? Did I mention I was 20? Yeah.

I know, I know. I'm a bad guy, and I need to fix this. Fortunately for me, I know how to.

Just do the 5 prayers all day erryday. I know how to and you CAN read from a book for the Qunut part, right? I mean... I can't memorize all that in one night... I have a bad memory.

"How can a man be loyal to a girl when he can't even keep his loyalty to God?" Oh wow. That hit me right here, man. Like a solid arrow. It actually hurts physically when I read that. Aloud, it's even worse.

I want to be with Rabbia... Really. I actually cried for real. And I haven't cried for a real for a long time before this. I think that's why my eyes hurt right now. I love her and I know she loves me but there's a middle woman that keep us from each other and that's her mom. I suppose she's doing a really great job, detecting a bad person from miles away haha

I can't just forget you, dear... Please..... I can forget about a lot of things but when you say "Good night, I love you, bye" to a person everyday and suddenly stops like this... It hurts the part where you define who you are and the brain just sort of, "Whoops. Where are the words? WHERE ARE THE WORDS??? IF I DON'T GET THE WORDS NOW, I WILL CONTINUE TYPING IN CAPS LOCK"

So. Her mom doesn't like me because I don't perform the prayers. Simple enough.

But how... can she know... that I actually perform them? When she doesn't even want to talk to me....

What's so bad about me.... that keeps people away from me.

I tell you what.

Divine Intervention. Done.

I hope I can sleep.

Good night, dear. I love you so much Rabbia... Bye.